People think I'm mean.

I guess people think I'm kind of bitchy, and well, I'm kind of bitchy. Some people tell me I'm sassy, which is a polite way of telling someone she's got a big mouth.

Here's the deal- I have opinions. Strong ones. Opinions that I'm not afraid to talk about. And when I talk, I like to dress it up... so I exaggerate, I joke, I use swear words. It's a thing. It's my thing. It's how I relate to all of you little fucks out there.

I see society deteriorating and I need to joke around about it to let off some steam, OK!? If I can't make fun of people who do stupid things, what fun will I have?

However, it's never my intention to hurt anyone, kick them while they're down, or make them sad. If you do something that I make fun of, MAN UP AND STAND BY YOUR DECISION! You do the damn thing, I don't know why, but you do it... so own it. And be able to back it up. I never turn down a discussion. Let's argue. Teach me something, shed some light on whatever bullshit you do, make me a more well-rounded individual, damnit. Don't lay on the ground and throw a temper tantrum like my toddler.

But if we, for some reason, cannot come to an agreement, you also need to recognize that no two people will ever agree on everything. There is no reason we can't be friends because I think animal print is hideous and you look like a Cheetah Girl. There's a beautiful deal I will make with anyone who wants to be my friend- YOU understand that I have the sense of humor that I do and I don't mean any harm, and in turn, I don't let the superficial shit that I bitch and moan about determine our friendship. So I will befriend a hick with dumb political views, a girl with gaudy fingernails, or a fan of ICP (as long as he still had some brain function left) even if I make fun of all of those things. See? Some people won't say anything, they'll judge you and write you off. I, however, like to have a variety of friends to teach me a variety of things. If you can't take a good ball busting, though, we probably won't ever get along.

I don't dish out what I can't take, and I even make fun of myself, but I hate little pussies who are offended by every little thing. Grow a thicker skin. The world is a filthy place and we are not all supposed to tap dance on clouds of love and happiness around you 24/7. Or maybe we are. But I'm gonna fucking die one day and I would like to think that I showed my true colors and the people I surrounded myself with dug it. I won't be satisfied knowing that all I did was bake a bunch of happy-feeling-cupcakes and fed them to you and Mr. Pansy Pants.

There is a time and a place for those cupcakes.

Reasons why YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING PRINCESS.

It has come to my attention through the social networking I do that a lot of girls in their late teens and early twenties are beginning to sound like entitled little twats. And I get that this is the age of empowerment and women run the world and fuckin Nicki Minaj and Lady Gaga and shit, but I think I'm seeing a lot of young ladies taking positive ideas about loving themselves and not tolerating mistreatment and turning them into weird shitty Instagram values about relationships and men in general.

If what I'm referring to is unclear...

Now, all of this shit is cool I guess... if you're into cookie-cutter already-digested Nicholas-Sparks romantic notions, but something tells me that if this began: "Hold his dick while he drives. Hold his dick when you walk beside him. Just hold his dick. Have sex with him when he's mad. Have sex with him in the rain..." we'd have a shit ton of crazy females being like, "THIS IS DISGUSTING, MEN ARE PIGS. IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT SEX." 

Well, that's true, it isn't all about sex. But real men don't act like Ryan Gosling or Channing Tatum do while they are literally reading scripts and taking cues. I hate to be the girl to say it, but if there is a likely male equivalent to the female fantasy of some poor schmuck with his tail between his legs following her instructions to "always be sweet" and "kiss her in the rain," it would be a woman throwing down in the kitchen, wearing very little clothing, and making a lot of sexual innuendos. Now I'm generalizing here, I realize that not every guy loves boobies and beer and not every girl loses her shit over romance movies, but the girls who post stupid shit like this on their social networking pages definitely, definitely do lose their shit over romance movies. Just saying.

This stupid quote takes way too many sentences to say something pretty fuckin simple: "Treat her as if she is the center of the universe." Which is a really shitty and unhealthy idea, because we're all human, and sometimes Princess can't get what she wants. Sometimes you don't feel like playing with her hair and I'm definitely not staying up with a bitch all night for no damn reason... like what is that, even? Why would the person who made this shit up include that? This is a whiny, self-absorbed, and shallow little girl who probably wants you to stay up with her if she can't sleep. You know what? I've got shit to do tomorrow and it's pretty selfish of you to expect me to entertain you when I could be recharging my batteries. A lot of this is understandable, like yeah you should definitely be faithful and make me feel loved, but you can probably save all of the corny shit for special occasions.

Like, where do you get off saying that you deserve to be treated like a princess? Why? What the fuck did YOU do, exactly, that made you deserve PRINCESS treatment? Oh, you were born? Interesting. And don't say some shit like, "I treat my man like a KING," because that's another dumbass phrase that I don't care to get into right now. So if you think that you somehow deserve princess treatment, I would like to shoot ya a friendly reminder to bring you back down to earth:

There are women in the world who are getting lunch cooked for them by their private chef right now. There are women who have never worked a day in their life to buy their designer clothing and diamonds. That is actually happening. These are women who I imagine might have these (still ridiculous) beliefs and attitudes about how men should treat them. You probably work at a grocery store, a restaurant, or a tanning bed. You can't go out this weekend because you spent ALL THE ACTUAL MONEY YOU HAD on shots last weekend named after things that are pink and fuzzy. You post pictures of your Starbucks cup on Instagram... and you use a filter. You're really average.

There are also women without this sense of entitlement who have multiple degrees, speak multiple languages, and are nationally recognized for their talent and beauty. There are women who have dedicated their lives to something beautiful and awe-inspiring. There are women who have achieved near physical perfection through hard work and heavy weights. You're Facebooking about how rough Zumba was tonight. 

You're average. There is nothing wrong with being average. I'm average. I mean, I'm a pretty cool average, but I'm still not being asked to endorse products or model or anything. I'm alright with that though. The truth is, no matter who you are, you shouldn't have unrealistic expectations of your partner. It's unfair, because we're all just shitty, dirty, sometimes cool people. We weren't written into a novel or a film or a porno, and we aren't going to fulfill every stupid stinkin fantasy that goes through your head. And as long as I'm not willing to cook a 3 course meal wearing nothing but an apron and 6 inch heels, I'm alright with never finding rose petals leading up to the door. 

So here's my version:

"Be a normal fucking dude. Be honest, don't act like a dick, tell me when you disagree without making me feel too shitty about it. Kiss me when you feel like it, if it's not an inappropriate time and place. If you don't want me to take a picture of you, don't be a little bitch, just tell me. And if I fall asleep in your arms and you're uncomfortable, move me. Treat me like your woman, not your princess. Don't let my head get too big and make sure I remember that the world does not owe me shit. And if you kiss me when I'm mad, I'm going to clock you in the face, big guy."