I started seeing someone recently, and I noticed that every time I shared the news with a friend or loved one, they’d immediately ask if he knows I have kids.
First of all, what kind of Casey Anthony-ass-man-trapping-ass bitch must you think I am for you to consider the possibility of me beginning a relationship with someone without telling them about my offspring? How would that even work? “Hey, whoa! Sorry it slipped my mind, but I got divorced last year and I have 2 kids. Hope that’s cool with you now that WE ARE DATING.”
Second of all, well, they’re not exactly wrong to ask. They’re really saying, “So he doesn’t think it’s utterly disgusting that you’re a mom?” Harsh, but true. These people understand the cultural attitude that failed marriages, especially those that produced children, are a shameful burden, and when a single mother is trying to date, we call it “baggage.”
Of course, there are the EXTRA HAPPILY remarried parents who are desperate to prove they’ve made a good decision by blasting terms like “bonus dad,” and posting photos of them having an orgy with the ex and their new girlfriend at their son’s little league game on social media. (In all seriousness, kudos to those couples who exemplify that setup done well.)
I’m not sure how I feel about it. Rationally, I assume it is less than ideal to date someone who already has children from a previous relationship. Of course, if the person is worth it— and presumably you wouldn’t date someone who isn’t worth some degree of inconvenience to you— it’s reasonable that the children would become near and dear to you, even if they are not biologically yours.
My current boyfriend jokingly asked me what would happen if he didn’t love my current kids as much as any kids I had with him, and even though he was only playfully trying to understand what that situation would look like, I’m sure it’s a real thing that normal stepparents think about. I haven’t done ANY research or asked ANYONE with experience, but... in my expert opinion, there’s gotta be some difference in feelings toward bio and non-bio children. Not that you can’t love both unconditionally and treat each of them the same way, but there is most likely some slight difference in the way brain chemistry responds to genetic offspring, even if it’s imperceptible. So I explained, also jokingly, that he didn’t have to love my kids at all— their dad and I have got that part covered— he just couldn’t be mean to them. (Even though the idea of him taking a toy truck out of my son’s hand and sticking his tongue out at him while my back is turned is kind of melting my heart right now, what is wrong with me?)
I’m lucky in that my ex-husband is still as involved as he has always been, which is considered a lot for our societal expectations of a young father. (Sorry Ex, couldn’t let you have credit without downplaying it just slightly.) He’s a great dad. I am not looking for anyone to fill that fatherly role in the lives of my existing children.
I’m not sure if that makes it more or less difficult than situations where the father is no longer in the picture. On the one hand, you don’t assume 100% responsibility for the child just by dating their mother, but on the other, you’ve gotta deal with another dude in the background until that kid grows up. I’m gonna say that as long as the ex is cool, and there are no lingering feelings or huge discrepancies in parenting styles, it’s probably a good thing for everyone.
Regardless of the situation with the ex, it’s a personal decision to date someone with children from a prior relationship, and I certainly don’t hate on dudes who don’t want to. I can’t hate on women who make that choice either, especially because it’s assumed that women would be happy to raise the entire fucking village if we could. Plus, the thought of some Marla Singer-esque girl saying, “I’m not raising some other bitch’s kids and being some single dad’s meal ticket.” amuses me.
Even if my kids are a HUGE BUMMER to someone who would otherwise want to date me, and maybe there is an incredibly wealthy underwear model/lumberjack/musician who would love to take me away to Europe and write songs about me if only I had kept my legs closed or my birth control had worked, I OBVIOUSLY wouldn’t have it any other way.
Oh, and the schmuck who is cool with the whole gang will not be destroyed financially or emotionally, burdened by fatherhood he doesn’t want, or forced into loving my kids. They have a lot of love and support, so I don’t look for a man to provide those things. I seduce men for my own sick amusement, not to recruit dads for my children- that shit is weird. It goes without saying that he will have to accept my children and be good to them, but why the fuck would I date someone who is mean to kids? Why would anyone? Note: if you’re dating someone who is mean to waitstaff, dogs, or kids: Stop.
That sounds like a whole lot of justification and I’m sure I’d get torn apart by Reddit for it. (r/theredpill) As I’ve stated before, I don’t think it’s wrong for someone to say, “nah, that’s a dealbreaker.” Shit, I have way more trivial dealbreakers, like: guys wearing puka shell necklaces, or not being able to change a tire. What I’m saying is, for the cuck that does accept not having been the 1st to conquer my womb, there will be no unreasonable expectations.
I digress. I intended to talk about my belief that my kids make me the woman I am proud to be, and they’ve been directly involved in all of my greatest accomplishments.
Pregnancy and childbirth (twice) transformed me completely. Growing a human being for 9 months and experiencing the pain and power of labor gave me strength. These things taught me selflessness, and how to surrender to pain and allow the terrifying yet natural events to happen as they will.
Then there were the early months, with sleepless nights, sore breasts (gross), staring at a squishy, shapeless, unrecognizable body in the mirror, trying desperately to adjust... again, these made me stronger. I learned how to be patient when I’m tired and stressed, and how to love myself and take care of my body, even when it isn’t up to my standards.
Caring for 2 kids is difficult, but I’ve had motherly instincts I couldn’t have imagined reveal themselves along the way. I love reading aloud to my kids and having fun with the voices. I like making crafts and planning parties. I like cutting peanut butter and jelly sandwiches into heart shapes and building forts. I like snuggling and talking about science. I enjoy hiking and being outside.
These are things I love to share with others, and consequently, they are things I love about myself. I wouldn’t have realized the full breadth of the lady I am and the love I have to give without my children here to show me. I’m cool, caring, capable, smart, silly, and thoughtful. I am these things because of my love for my children.
Without kids, I’d still be cool as fuck, but I’d lack the heart I have now. I’m pretty damn sure, based on self-awareness, that I’d be selfish, entitled, naive, and aimless. Yeah, you could argue that the same metamorphosis will happen to any new mother, so there’s no reason to settle for a used one, but the guy I end up spending my life with doesn’t have to wait and witness me growing up and figuring it out. I’M A GROWN ASS WOMAN, KIND OF. I can navigate household and parenting duties with at least a slacked-in-college-but-smart-and-good-at-bullshitting entry-level experience, and maybe that would be useful enough to calm his first time anxieties. I’m stable and serious, if against my will. I’ve got two helpless people to care for, people who’s mission in life is seemingly to electrocute and/or starve themselves. I have to stop them. That’s serious work. I went from not knowing how to boil an egg to being a pretty good cook. I make food that is, as my father would say, “actually pretty good.” I know secrets about laundry that even your mother doesn’t know.
Now, obviously this shit is hard and I’m a hot ass mess, but compared to the hot ass mess I was, and many have been, as a first time mom in the early days of marriage, I am now Martha Stewart meets Erin Brockovich. So when Baby Daddy #2 is freaking out because the baby won’t sleep, instead of freaking out with him and letting tension create an argument, I know (from having had that argument roughly 200 times before) that the only helpful course of action is calming the baby- and from experience, I have a general idea of how to do that. When the baby eats something they found on the floor, I can call Poison Control without breaking a sweat. When we’ve gone weeks without banging, whether it’s my libido or his, I know how to address it. (Couples have the dumbest fights, don’t they?) If we have to make a dish to pass for the holidays at his mother’s, I’ve got tried & true crowd pleasers. I know when to shut up and leave something alone, and I know when to push and try harder. I know how to avoid internalizing negative emotions so they don’t manifest themselves in some shitty way later— usually me being a low key bitch all day for no reason, making petty remarks, getting drunk, or any/all of these things.
Basically, I’m a better partner because I’ve had a bad partner, and I’ve been a bad partner. I understand how to work through pain and anger without letting it change you. I’ve developed a strategy for communication and I have learned to assume responsibility when I need to, without being defensive and close-minded.
I’m not perfect or anywhere near, but I’m zen as fuck compared to my 20 year old self. I’m still hella depressed and anxious, but I’m on top of that shit now, so I can function fully and tear shit up without being unreasonably horrified or utterly hopeless... 97.8% of the time.
As I’ve said, being pretty self-aware, I know I have an addictive personality, impulse control problems, can be extremely reactive (and not at all proactive), and I like darkness and destruction because they make me feel more in touch with my artistic self. So if I were childless at 27, I’d either be a drug addicted, angsty, starving artist, or based on current politics, I’d be President of the United States.
So, if I lost a few potential life partners because I got knocked up in ‘11, it’s cool with me. I won’t pretend I haven’t thought about it, or that it doesn’t hurt my feelings, but I’m not angry and I don’t feel defeated. I’ve seen enough success stories (some of them nausea inducing) that I know there is “life after divorce.” (Gross phrase.) I probably won’t have to settle for BOTTOM of the barrel, and I’m not going to let anyone make me feel like a used-up hag with a truckload of baggage. No sir, I am a used-up hag with 2 beautiful babies. And hey, if nothing else, they’re proof that I can breed and my genetics are fucking top notch. Doesn’t that count for something in an evolutionary sense? Like, the King would definitely be pleased with me. I’m pretty sure Hitler would be as well, but that’s just wildly inappropriate to say.
Seeing the world through my kids’ eyes has made me more curious, more interested in the world and the way it works, more laid back, and better able to embrace life’s mishaps with a sense of humor. Having kids has also made me drink more and gave me a mom bod. Hey, you win some, you lose some.
SO THIS IS ME. IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE ME AT MY WORST ❌💔YOU DON’T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST. 👸🏻 SINGLE MOM AND TWO KIDS. 👩👧👦WE ARE A PACKAGE 📦 . 👊🏻 ARE YOU STRONG ENOUGH TO BE A BONUS DAD? 👨👧👦CAN YOU SPEND YOUR 💵 ON DIAPERS 🍼 INSTEAD OF DIME BAGS? THIS JUICY 🍑 IS FOR A REAL MAN WHO CAN “STEP UP TO THE PLATE” AND COACH MY BABY BOY’S SPORTS⚽️🏀🏈⚾️ TEAMS. EX IS PART OF THE PICTURE📸 SO GET USED TO IT❗️HE WILL GIVE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT 💯 YOU WILL GIVE FINANCIAL 💲💲🛍🛒🚬💰💵📱🏡🚗🍷🍺🍟👑💅🏻💄💍 INDEPENDENT WOMAN BUT YES I WILL NEED THE KEYS 🔑 TO THE MANSION 🏩 OR YOU CAN GET TO STEPPIN 👟👟
